Joe Kinnear appointed Newcastle United Director of Football

It had almost reached the point where you could laugh about it. Almost. The grin might have been forced and the voice strained, but you could almost bear to retell the tales, dragging out the stories like a grizzled war correspondent. Almost. Almost, but not quite. Because away from the daftness and the grammatical foibles and the bizarre flights of fantasy, Joe Kinnear and Newcastle United should only be a source of the darkest humour.

Let us not skirt the issue. Let us not play games with language or deal in half-truths or politics. Let us not suggest you read between the lines. Let us be as bold and as brash as Mike Ashley in relation to the owner’s most contentious decisions at St James’ Park. Let us say this: if Joe Kinnear is the answer, the only possible question is “who would you least like to be associated with Newcastle, not including Dennis Wise?”

There is one thing that people always get wrong when I tell them about my job. There is plenty they get right, such as “you lucky bugger, being paid to watch football”. But the thing they get wrong when I explain that I’m based in the North East is when they say “never dull up there, is it? There’s always something to write about. You must love it!” Sometimes they throw in an extra “love it” just to sound like Kevin Keegan.

They soon shut up when they see my 1000-yard stare and the tremor of a twitch in the corner of my eyes. Because while I love the North East and while I love our football, I don’t love it when North East football is lampooned. In fact, I hate that. And it is worse than dull when the subjects you write about are corrosion and failure and underachievement. It gnaws at the soul.

There has been no season more toxic, less pleasant to record, more outrageous or shaming than Newcastle’s in 2008-09, when a great club was taken to its knees by a compendium of mismanagement, muddled thinking and recklessness. And in the midst of it all was Joe Kinnear, swearing and dissembling, a key player in the farce, sitting in the same seat that Sir Bobby Robson once sat in.

I looked up an old interview I conducted with Sir Bobby to publicise a book about Newcastle, the club and the city, which we had worked on together. It was not too long after Kinnear had called journalists “c****” and “so f****** slimy” and promised that nobody was “going to f*** me off or frighten me in any manner,” because he was here “for a simple chance to f****** prove myself.”

“How do headmasters or educationalists in Newcastle, reading that, explain it to schoolchildren?” Sir Bobby said in response. “I think it’s more likely to encourage people to take up rugby rather than football.

“It came at a time when people have been desperate for reasons to be proud of their club and while some people might think journalists deserve what they get, my belief is it took the club down another peg or two. A manager of Newcastle speaking like that? It should never happen. It’s a job of dignity, integrity and responsibility. I hope Joe’s successful, but it wasn’t the right way to behave.”

He reflected on Kinnear’s arrival, Keegan’s departure, the presence of Wise, the jumble of roles, players being signed without the manager’s knowledge and being told to look them up on YouTube, the bafflement and betrayal of supporters.

“There are all sorts of words you could use to describe what’s happened – and some have been vitriolic – but the one I’d use to express what I feel about the club is sadness,” Robson said. “It’s not just disappointing or outrageous or obnoxious, it’s just sad how a big, magnificent club like it is, could have reached this point.”

Kinnear’s press conferences were part of that. They weren’t entertaining. They were ludicrous. There was confusion and obfuscation about the length of his contract, a potential takeover: “I worked it out that I would be in charge for between six and eight games. But (Mike Ashley) assures me that they have a buyer and the consortium coming in have Kevin Keegan lined up and possibly Alan Shearer. I’m well aware of the situation. Good luck to Kevin if he’s coming back in. He’s the fans choice and you know what the fans are like, they call the tune in many respects.” Didn’t happen.

There was to be a D-Day meeting with Ashley about the sale of the club: “I’ll find out where we stand. It’ll certainly clear the air for everybody – me, the players, the supporters and everyone associated with the club.” Never happened.

There were plans for the transfer window: “One (player) is with Roma and he is not in the team at the moment and the other is a player who has already scored against us this season. I know their agents and what they would be is loan deals from January until the end of the season.” Didn’t happen.

After the obscenity, there was a press call, before a match with Tottenham Hotspur, who he had played for with some distinction, when Kinnear burst into song: “In Dublin’s fair city, Where the boys are so pretty, We first set our eyes on big Joe Kinnear, As he wheeled his wheelbarrow, Through the streets wide and narrow, Crying ‘Tottenham! Tottenham’!” Might have happened, no less bemusing.

And then there was the daddy of them all, when a nugget of information and a line I was desperate to write (“If Joe Kinnear thought he had a mountain to climb when he was manager of Nepal …”) came out on a rare quiet day. So, big Joe Kinnear. Tell us about Nepal.

“I was in Nepal for two years as their national coach. I was there with Crown Prince Dipendra who was to be their future prince (he meant king). It was a real experience for me. I was just starting out as a coach, I was in Dubai also for two years. Nepal was to coach the national team, the contract was good, financially it was good. He was the King’s son, he had to marry some other bird. I had better be careful here or I will be having a political war.

“He (the Crown Prince) was one of my closest friends, he was head of their FA. I was there when the whole of the royal family was killed. He was my best friend, so he used to come back to London, we would meet and go to matches. When I went back over there, he was the guy I answered to.

“There were two castes out there. He was forced to marry another girl but he didn’t want to. He was ordered by his parents to marry her when that was the last thing he really wanted to do. He wanted to marry someone else but he couldn’t … like the usual crap. So what did he do? He killed them all and then blew his own brains out.”

What!? Really!? “I never really felt like my life was at risk,” he said. “It came out of the blue when it happened. I got out of there about three days after and I have never been back.”

Dynamite! Utterly irrelevant to anything, but who cares, it was a great story and it least it wasn’t D-Day meetings or contracts or players being lined up or being called a c*** or so f****** slimy. Until, as it was my turn to transcribe the press conference quotes that day and Tibet had been my idea, I thought I’d do a bit of research.

Joe Kinnear managed Nepal in 1987.
Dipendra of Nepal allegedly killed his family on June 1 2001.
In 2001, Joe Kinnear was manager of Luton Town.

See. That’s almost funny – almost – although I’m struggling to raise a smile today.

There was no role for Kinnear at Newcastle in 2008. There was no logic to it. He was close to Ashley, apparently, and evidently still is. In a season of humiliation, he was a magnet for more of it. He won five of 26 matches. He described a referee as “Mickey Mouse”, was sent off from the touchline, called Charles N’Zogbia “Charles Insomnia” and helped untether a flailing club. He tarnished a great institution.

There is no role for Kinnear at Newcastle in 2013. There is no logic to it. If there is a need for a new approach to transfers, as Kinnear has implied, then a man who has not been involved in frontline football for four years and was barely involved then, is not it. If there is a need for anything, the only thing that springs to mind is Ashley undermining Alan Pardew. They’re having a laugh. Almost.

Tomwin Lannister wrote:I seen Joes interview quotes on SSN


He thinks really highly of himself lmfao.

Reliving his infamous rant at reporters in October 2008, Kinnear also claimed his Newcastle side had beaten Spurs that night, 2-1.

However, the incident happened on a Thursday, and the Magpies had not played since the previous Saturday - when they LOST 2-1 to Blackburn.