If you don't want to know the score, look away now: What to expect in Serie A this season, month by month.
With the 2011-12 Italian league season set to kick off this weekend, Goal.com takes a satirical look at what to expect in the coming campaign

By Carlo Garganese | Deputy Editor

Serie A may not be the super-dominant league it was during the eighties and nineties, but the Campionato remains the world’s most fascinating domestic competition when you combine both on and off the pitch activities.

Madcap presidents such as Maurizio Zamparini and Aurelio De Laurentiis, firebrand footballers like Antonio Cassano and Francesco Totti, media controversy, inexplicable refereeing and betting patterns, outlandish quotes from Luciano Moggi, explosive fan rivalries (Juventus-Inter), CEO's who never shut up (Adriano Galliani), strikers who think they are better than Lionel Messi (Zlatan Ibrahimovic) - the entertainment is never-ending.




AUGUST

25th: This article is published and, within 10 minutes, Goal.com is accused of being anti-Inter/Milan/Juventus/Roma/Claudio Marchisio/your five-a-side team.

27th: Kevin Prince Boateng misses the Serie A opener at Cagliari, due to an invitation to Michael Jackson's birthday party in California. At least 30 thousand American girls later claim that "Michael is alive".

28th: Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini sacks Stefano Pioli at half-time on the opening round, with the Sicilians trailing Novara 3-0. Zamparini replaces Pioli with Delio Rossi.

29th: Roma fans invade training at Trigoria after losing away at Bologna.

31st: The transfer window closes. Wesley Sneijder stays at Inter, and spends the next 24 hours exchanging "I love you", "no, I love you more" tweets with his wife Yolanthe.

SEPTEMBER

1st: Luciano Moggi slams Juventus' summer window. "With the same amount of money, I would win Juve the Scudetto."

7th: Brazilian legend Ronaldo is photographed on the beach by all Italian newspapers with his ever-expanding belly hanging out.

10th: Juventus officially debut in the new Stadio Delle Alpi against Parma, but Sebastian Giovinco returns to haunt them once again with a stunning hat-trick. Claudio Marchisio is dominated by Stefano Morrone yet home fans still grant him a standing ovation when he is subbed.

14th: Moped-riding Lazio fans stab Liverpool supporters in the buttocks before the Europa League clash in Rome. The English media blast 19th century Italian policing and debate about the topic for weeks.

17th: AC Milan are awarded their 51st and 52nd penalties of 2011 at the San Paolo, infuriating Aurelio De Laurentiis. The Napoli president storms out of the stadium mid-game, and hitches a ride home on a stranger's moped.


25th: Palermo lose at Lazio. Delio Rossi is replaced by Stefano Pioli.


OCTOBER

1st: Zlatan Ibrahimovic is booed throughout Juventus-Milan at the Stadio Delle Alpi. After the game Ibra proclaims that he is "the best player in the world."

15th: Stunning sex goddess of an Italian football presenter Ilaria D'Amico promises to strip naked if her favourite team Lazio beat Roma in the derby. After the game, Ilary Blasi files for divorce following husband Francesco Totti's seven penalty misses.

19th: Mario Balotelli celebrates wildly on his flat balcony after his team wins the AC Milan-Manchester City Champions League group clash. Supermario repeatedly chants: "Oi oi oi, oi oi oi oi, Pippo Inzaghi segna per noi."


25th: Palermo lose at Udinese. Stefano Pioli is replaced by Delio Rossi.


29th: Ahead of the Derby d'Italia, Massimo Moratti claims that Juventus cheated to every one of their '27' league titles. "The 1975 Scudetto when we finished ninth was the worst, we were robbed!, "the oil tycoon complains.

31st: Milan assistant coach Mauro Tassotti is handed a four-month touchline ban after viciously elbowing Roma boss Luis Enrique, causing the Spaniard to lose a pint of blood from his face. Daniele De Rossi promises "revenge" in the return at San Siro.


NOVEMBER

3rd: Liverpool 'welcome' Lazio to Anfield and there are riots on the streets as away fans are robbed. The English media report nothing on the trouble.

20th: Francesco Totti demands that Luis Enrique be sacked after being left on the bench in the 9-0 win over Lecce.

21st: Luis Enrique is sacked by Roma.

23rd: Pippo Inzaghi breaks Raul's European club scoring record.

24th: Raul breaks Pippo Inzaghi's European club scoring record.


27th: Palermo lose at home to Fiorentina. Delio Rossi is replaced by Stefano Pioli.


DECEMBER

4th: Marco Materazzi moans for the 70,000th time that Zinedine Zidane still hasn't apologised for the 2006 World Cup final head-butt.

15th: All Italian teams are eliminated from the Europa League following Lazio Under-18s defeat to Vorskla Poltava. Napoli decline to participate after finishing third in their Champions League group. "I don't give a sh*t about this competition," snipes president De Laurentiis.

16th: "The Champions League is in our DNA," remarks AC Milan CEO Adriano Galliani at the last 16 draw ceremony.

18th: Palermo are beaten in the derby at Catania. Stefano Pioli is replaced by Maurizio Zamparini. "This is the biggest Christmas present Palermo fans could wish for," says Zampa. "All coaches are imbeciles. This is my only choice."

24th: Wesley Sneijder wishes everyone a Merry Christmas on twitter, and spends the entire festive season exchanging "I love you", "no, I love you more" tweets with his wife Yolanthe.

JANUARY

1st: The transfer window re-opens and Tuttosport immediately links Juventus to Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and 70,000 other players.

2nd: Adriano Galliani complains about the tax situation in Italy, and says Serie A can't cope financially with La Liga and the EPL.

9th: Christian Vieri considers coming out of retirement to join a Brazilian regional team.

14th: Milan Derby - Wesley Sneijder has an awful first half as Milan lead 3-0. At half time it emerges that Sir Alex Ferguson is in the crowd - Sneijder then inspires Inter to a 4-3 win in an incredible turnaround... at full time, it emerges Yolanthe has a new deal for a tv show in Milan... Sneijder turns down Man Utd approach.

21st: Vincenzo Iaquinta feels some pain during training and is sidelined for a few weeks with a muscular injury.


31st: After falling out with his coach and team-mates, Zlatan Ibrahimovic is traded to Roma. His first words as a Romanista, having kissed the uniform, are: "I have always been a Roma fan, I want to finish my career here."


Holy Nosey | Vieri's transfer to Boavista Sport Club falls through due to a nose injury


FEBRUARY

1st: Luciano Moggi slams Juventus' transfer window.

14th: Just like at Sampdoria, Antonio Cassano is thrown out of Milan after refusing to attend a regular club function...Silvio Berlusconi's Valentine's Bunga Bunga party. "His girls look way too old," claims Talentino.

19th: Vincenzo Iaquinta feels some pain during training and is sidelined for a few weeks with a muscular injury.


26th: Lazio's Miroslav Klose beats the offside trap to score a last minute winner against Fiorentina. Television replays reveal that the German was 40 yards ahead of last defender Alessandro Gamberini.

MARCH

15th: John O'Shea says that Ryan Giggs is a bigger legend than Paolo Maldini.

15th: Vincenzo Iaquinta feels some pain during training and is sidelined for a few weeks with a muscular injury.


24th: In the AC Milan-Roma return, Daniele De Rossi gains his revenge for Mauro Tassotti's Olimpico attack by embarking on an elbowing spree. 'Capitan Futuro' floors KP Boateng, Adriano Galliani and Tassotti himself, while Brian McBride is placed under police guard.

25th: Inter beat Juventus in Turin but it is not the only loss for Antonio Conte, who also loses his hair. The Juventus coach's wig is stolen by Massimo Moratti, who places it on his mantelpiece next to the 2006 Scudetto.


APRIL

12th: AC Milan are knocked out of the Champions League. Berlusconi and Galliani brush this off by boasting: "Milan are the most internationally successful club team in history."

13th: Galliani moans about Serie A's Uefa co-efficient, and warns that Italy are set to be overtaken by France, Holland and Malta.

17th: Vincenzo Iaquinta feels some pain during training and is sidelined for a few weeks with a muscular injury.


21st: Mirko Vucinic is sent off for stripping completely after scoring a hattrick in Juventus' win over Roma.

28th: Lecce are docked 10 points after on-loan Milan star Rodney Strasser is found to have forged his passport. It is confirmed that Strasser is 12 years older than previously believed and was actually born in 1978, the same year as ex-Inter striker Obafemi Martins.

MAY

5th: Milan Derby - crowd trouble of some sort started from low down in the main stand... turns out to be Mario Balotelli, a guest of the Rossoneri.

12th: Inter go into the final game of the season at Lazio requiring just a win to lift the Scudetto. The Nerazzurri lead twice but lose 4-2, thanks to a series of underhit backpasses by Christian Chivu. Juventus beat Atalanta 2-0 to poach the title, as Inter collapse to fourth behind Milan and Napoli. Massimo Moratti accuses Giuseppe Marotta of "controlling Italian football".

13th: Palermo are relegated after 22 consecutive defeats under coach Zamparini. "All players are imbeciles," the volcanic former president is heard roaring after the final whistle at Genoa.

27th: Milan win the Coppa Italia. Alexandre Pato and Barbara Berlusconi announce live on television that they are getting married.

28th: Some form of scandal - be it match-fixing, betting or Bunga Bunga - erupts in Italy.

30th: Cesare Prandelli names his Azzurri squad for Euro 2012. Cesena's Gianluca Comotto complains about being left at home and says he's the "best right back in Italy".

31st: Mario Balotelli announces that he's joining Milan.[img][/img]

I posted that too, sorry didnt notice that before