Consign the handshake to history – or risk a sporting palmdemic
Handshakes have brought nothing but trouble for sport stars around the world and it's time to do something about it

Over the past few decades many irritating, dangerous and life-threatening things have been eradicated from football. The pass back to the goalkeeper, the shoulder charge into the back of the net and Elton Welsby have all been consigned to history. Not literally in the latter case, I am happy to add – though some may feel that presenting crown green bowls on satellite is as near to oblivion as a man can get without a passerby giving him a heart massage.

Nobody likes change for the sake of it – except kit manufacturers, obviously. Yet I feel events over the past six months compel the governing bodies not only of English football, nor merely of football in general, but of worldwide sport to place a blanket ban on one more thing – an action that threatens to do more damage to the credibility of all athletic activity than doping, match-fixing and the opening credits for the Football League Show combined. I refer, of course, to The Handshake.

This apparently innocent gesture of greeting has been wreaking havoc in sport for decades. Lately, however, things have got, well, out of hand. Last autumn, for instance, we had that unforgivable business in Detroit that saw an over-exuberant post-victory digit-squeeze-with-shoulder-slap from Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, so provoke his opposite number, Jim Schwartz, that a mass on-field brawl ensued. In the immediate aftermath Harbaugh issued an apology: "That wasn't me, just shook hands … That's on me. Handshake was too hard," he spluttered plainly still breathless from his brisk bit of palm-on-palm action.

The sight of large numbers of very big men in crash hats stumbling around shoving one another shocked the US viewing public. But it was not nearly as alarming as the post-Harbaugh-furore TV slot in which a former NFL coach, Steve Mariucci, gave a demonstration of gridiron handshake etiquette so chock‑full with dizzying enthusiasm watching it was like swallowing popping candy while rolling down the Matterhorn.

Meanwhile, the boxing ring was the scene of more fist-grip shenanigans as Floyd Mayweather knocked out Victor Ortiz after feigning a handshake during their WBC world welterweight title bout. And the trouble spread down under when last month tennis fans in Melbourne took to booing Tomas Berdych after the Czech ignored Nicolás Almagro's proffered hand following their Australian Open match.

Make no mistake The Handshake is a dangerous menace that has lurked like a viper in the bountiful Anita Ekberg-style bosom of sport for far too long, its venomous fangs ever poised to spurt poison into the pale and vulnerable career-wrists of good and noble men. Take, for example, Sepp Blatter. Until recently a man internationally revered for blending the dignity, and wisdom of the Dalai Lama with the no-messing-about common sense of the bloke from the Ronseal Advert. Yet one mention of post-match handshakes as a panacea for racist abuse and suddenly the Fifa president is being portrayed as the sort of bewildered grandad who embarrasses his relatives by saying: "They always have such lovely teeth, don't they?" while travelling on crowded buses.

Likewise poor John Terry. The Chelsea centre-back was once a man destined for the pantheon of big cumbersome Englishmen who win the hearts of the nation when, with bandage-swathed head, bloody knees and eyes darting about like startled guppies, they help the national team secure a gritty 0-0 draw on a rainy night in the Balkans. Two controversial non-handshakes later and the chances of JT ever being likened to Terry Butcher are as remote as that of Doug Bollinger doing a commercial for L'Oréal.

In normal life the handshake is rarely – Michelle Obama aside – the cause of ill will. But sportspeople are much more sensitive than the general population. Not long ago Mark Hughes got into a big tizzy after a handshake from the Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini that did not – apparently – include sufficient eye contact. The QPR manager – a man with skin so thin I imagine he could cut himself on Turkish delight – is perpetually teetering on the verge of post-match snub controversy having been involved in half a dozen incidents in the past few seasons, a high proportion of them also involving Tony Pulis. The Stoke manager explained his own non-Sparky gripping stance in 2010 by saying: "We're just two Welshmen with a bit of competition in us." An assertion you just hope was followed by somebody trilling: "Ooh, get you. Mr Masterful!"

Even the cerebral world of chess has had its share of handshake disorder, with Nigel Short at the centre of a bitter greetings row with Ivan Cheparinov at the 2008 Corus chess tournament. According to ChessBase.com, the British grandmaster was "still shaking" with rage several hours after the incident, which saw the Bulgarian twice refuse to shake before their match. Despite forfeiting for his rudeness Cheparinov was unrepentant, claiming that on a previous occasion he had been "gravely insulted" by Short. The nature of the insult was never made public, though I for one would like to think it might have involved the phrase "You mate with rooks".

Stir in that business with then England rugby captain Martin Johnson and the president of Ireland, some feisty business in the Stanley Cup involving the Pittsburg Penguins and repeated handshake rumpuses in Spain's El Clásico, and I think we can agree that what we have here is a worldwide palmdemic.

Last weekend the FA did the sensible thing, suspending the handshake ritual before the QPR-Chelsea game. Now that approach needs to be rolled out worldwide for all competitions. If not I fear we will see handshaking drag sport into a maelstrom of hysterical chest-bumping, finger-wagging self‑righteousness, hypocritical bleating about "respect" and 24-hour rolling media sofa-babble. And that would never do, would it?

BarcaKizz wrote:Umm... Not sure if this is serious...

Lord Hades wrote:Take, for example, Sepp Blatter. Until recently a man internationally revered for blending the dignity, and wisdom of the Dalai Lama with the no-messing-about common sense of the bloke from the Ronseal Advert.


yeah this article is legit