A Day In The Life of...

05:30 – calls Pedro León’s house using a blocked number to wake him up.

07:00 – frugal breakfast and morning exercises to improve technique on how to keep one’s foot on the head of another as if you wanted to step on him.

08:30 – visits the president of his neighborhood to demand that he throw out the guard and replace him with a Portuguese one recommended by Jorge Mendes.

09:15 – goes to Valdebebas. Runs over two children but an old woman escapes. Swears that he won’t fail tomorrow.

10:00 – uses a Ouija board to meet with the spirits of Hitler, Bin Laden and the bull that killed Manolete to share experiences and get new ideas.

12:00 – the training session begins, with the attendance of his son. During the 15 minutes open to the press, he demands that his players smile.

12:15 – the closed training session includes real fire, like in the Marines. The last minutes are dedicated to learning how to start fights.

13:30 – the players meet in the locker room to repeat a thousand times, “Mou is the best, Mou is the only one who loves us.”

14:00 – the police receive an anonymous call telling them that Pedro León is in reality a dangerous drug trafficker.

14:15 – has a frugal lunch (since evil never rests).

14:30 – video session. Today’s topics: “learn how to torture with the prison guards of Abu Ghraib” and “that’s how we treat journalists in Guantánamo.”

17:00 – on the way home, the Guardia Civil stops him and fines him. Shouts that he will only speak with their director, not with the agents.

18:00 – after slapping his son for paying attention to his friend Jorge and not his father, decides to go to Hipercor to buy some things.

18:15 – falls to his knees in an aisle in Hipercor and starts shouting and crying about how there are no mixed berry-flavored Red Bulls left.

18:55 – leaves Hipercor. Pays with the El Corte Inglés credit card that he stole from Pedro León.

20:00 – gets into a huge fight with his wife after finding out that his son had eaten dinner without his permission.

21:00 – calls Florentino to give him the orders for tomorrow and demand that the Bernabéu change its name to “Mourinho the Great.”

22:30 – goes to bed and reads the book, “The butcher of Milwaukee, a misunderstood hero.”

02:30 – calls Pedro León’s wife using a blocked number, pretending to be one of her husband’s lovers.

06:00 – just like each morning, an angel appears at his window to wake him up by singing “Muntanyes regalades” [a traditional Catalan song] just like Pep taught him.

06:15 – Pep, who sleeps on the floor out of humbleness and solidarity with poor people, gets up and kisses the photos of Gamper, Cruyff and Rafael Casanova.

07:00 – prepares breakfast for his family and the El Raval orphanage with ecological products that he planted himself in his garden.

07:45 – while out jogging, rescues a kitten from a tree and helps a senior citizen to cross the street, while his sweat makes gardens grow flowers.

08:30 – after showering with recycled water, he takes his girls (not Masche and Keita, the other ones) to school, the one that he helped to build with his very own hands.

09:30 – on the way home, calls the Dalai Lama for their daily chat. Then he cleanses his chakras and while he’s at it, the entire house.

11:45 – leaves for the training session. He could levitate there, but he’s so humble that he prefers to go in car like any other normal human being.

12:00 - stops at an ATM to take out money and sees that the bank is being held up. Speaks with the bank robber, and gets him to give up and open an account with Sabadell [the bank that Pep is the image of].

12:30 – it’s all fun and games at the training session, between the players and also their families and the journalists that fill the stands.

13:45 – when the session is over, gives Tito Vilanova a gift of an eye patch, which he personally sewed and embroidered. The journalists break into emotional applause.

14:30 – time for lunch, to which the entire team and all of Barça’s employees are invited. Pep himself cooks and fills up the glasses with his shakes.

16:00 – offers to take Busquets to SOS Racismo (where he collaborates) and Messi to the speech therapist (where… well, he takes him) on his way home.

16:45 – takes advantage of the traffic jam to solve the Hodge conjecture and compose an opera based on the poems of Mandelstam that he personally translated.

18:00 – realizes that he’s the only winner of the Euromillions lottery and decides to donate the 160 million anonymously to the NGO “Humility Without Borders.”

18:15 – after helping his girls (not Masche and Keita, the other ones) with their homework, calls the dog pound to adopt all the animals.

21:00 – family dinner, to which illegal immigrants, as always, are invited. Helps them to find legal work.

22:15 – sends an email to Antonio Miró [a Spanish fashion designer] with the sketches for his next spring-summer collection for bus drivers.

22:30 – videoconference with Obama, Merkel and George Soros to give them his recipe for botifarra amb mongetes and advice on the crisis.

23:55 – goes down to the Batcave to get ready if his city needs him tonight, since he knows very well that evil never rests.

17:00 – on the way home, the Guardia Civil stops him and fines him. Shouts that he will only speak with their director, not with the agents.

10:00 – uses a Ouija board to meet with the spirits of Hitler, Bin Laden and the bull that killed Manolete to share experiences and get new ideas.