The secrets of Barca DNA revealed! What it is, how it works and why it helps you get away with murder

Alexis Sanchez has completed his protracted move to Barcelona and as part of his medical had the essential Barcelona DNA implanted into him. This is the same Barca DNA that Xavi worries is eating up Cesc Fabregas while he is held hostage at The Emirates.

We all know Barcelona are special and we’ve heard the phrase Barca DNA many times, but has anyone ever tried to actually find out what this stuff is?

To help Mirror Football readers enhance their excellent football knowledge, we've enlisted the help of Catalonia's foremost genetics expert. And after just five minutes with Professor Hogboglinez, things became much clearer...

MF: So what does Barca DNA actually do?
PH:The Barca DNA it is unique. It makes a player different and special. More than a player, more than a club.

Yes, that’s all well and good but doesn’t actually mean anything. What specific advantages does it give a player?
It helps the players work as a team, they are like a family. For example, if a player gets fouled then many others will run to the referee to demand action is taken against the offender.

Isn’t this just unsporting behaviour, trying to get players sent off?
No, it is Barca DNA. We are more than a club.

Tell us more...
Well sometimes when I watch our team I think to myself, “Barca, you have the world’s best players, go for the jugular rather than passing it five yards to each other for eternity and waiting for a mistake. Aaarrrgghhh!”. I get very frustrated but then many people will say it was one of the best games they have ever seen in the history of sport; that having 99.9984% of the possession and scoring one goal is a thing of remarkable beauty. Even though it’s infrequent I am not allowed to say Barca had a bad game without being told I have no idea about football.

You're saying Barca DNA can influence the minds of others and even the reporting of football in general?
Of course, Serigo Busquets is a good example. Remember when he was alleged to have used racist remarks on the pitch? Well, despite there being video evidence we managed to convince UEFA he was saying something totally harmless even though he was covering his mouth with his hand as he said it.

Then there’s Xavi, who literally oozes Barca DNA, he makes many comments about Cesc Fabregas coming to Barca and yet escapes widespread criticism or sanction. I won’t mention Messi sulking and refusing to train, the last time I did that I had to change my address and have extensive plastic surgery to alter my appearance.

Interesting, so what can Alexis Sanchez expect now he has Barca DNA?
Well, he won’t dive anymore, that’s a given, he’ll merely have gone down due to the effects of several earlier tackles. He won’t be labelled petulant even if he kicks a ball into the faces of opposition supporters. He gains an ability to walk on water and can probably heal sick children.

So there you have it, Barca DNA is truly a magical thing. We did try to speak to English clubs about whether they had their own DNA systems but were met with a frosty response.

On ringing Harry Redknapp, it got a bit confused. We wanted him to speak about Spurs and DNA “No, I’m afraid I can’t. We’re always interested in top top players and de Annay is certainly that, ‘triffic boy, but we can’t talk directly about other team’s stars.”.

Chelsea just seemed to get angry when asked if we could chat about player’s DNA “Listen, if I’ve told your kind once then I’ve told them a thousand times, John Terry has done his quota of parental tests for the year and won’t be doing any more.”.

harhar11 wrote: